When a loved one dies, panic can often set in among those in the immediate family. As meetings with family members, pastors, funeral directors, and cemetery sales people take a family off guard over the next few days, the reality can strike hard: there are a lot of choices to make in preparing for a funeral, burial or memorial ceremony. And, further, the options for these choices can be overwhelming. Even the simplest choices involve thousands of dollars, and the emotional toll of making the wrong one – or not being able to afford the right one – can be as devastating a disaster as any family can experience. The need to be precise is tremendous. It’s not talked about often, but it’s true nevertheless: anxiety attacks are common at this point in many people’s lives. Mental health experts can testify that the period right after a loved one’s death accounts for a huge percentage of the industry’s calls for service. Faced with a stressful array of choices, none of which seem to offer much comfort in light of the fact that a beloved family member has died, people often turn to psychologists, psychiatrists, professional counselors and even emergency rooms for relief from the stress and turmoil. But the unfortunate fact is that these people are not typically prepared to help their patients make informed choices about planning the memorial service that they have been called to arrange.
In most cases, the professionals who have been called to the rescue are able to help family members put emotional Band-Aids on their deeper psychological issues and successfully navigate the immediate crisis of planning and organizing a memorial ceremony and attending to all of the immediate family matter that such an event requires. But these temporary measures often come at an enormous expense – financially and otherwise.
Though it may not be what people in the midst of a crisis over the loss of a loved one want to hear, the best course of action when it comes to making informed memorial choices is proactive one. As many motivational speakers and self-help authors have been known to say, the most productive strategy is to act, not react to the idea of making plans for a memorial ceremony. Understanding practical details — such as how long a funeral service is — can help families feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. Fortunately, for those who are wanting to take this advise, there are plenty of resources available. Many professionals and organizations exist that make organizing the funeral service for family member – or a loved one – as simple and as comforting as can be. Ironically, many find, most of the aforementioned mental health professionals can be of great assistance in these matters – when consulted before the crisis actually begins. (While it’s probably not the best idea to check with your local emergency room about how to plan a memorial service, most psychologist, counselors and even psychiatrists will not likely be stumped by the request. They would likely even encourage such an inquiry, in fact.)
Below are some professional-approved ideas for making sure the death of a loved one does not end up causing undue stress in a family member’s life. In fact, when followed carefully, these ideas can result in a surprisingly uplifting and comforting experience for all, when they least expect it.
Staying Ready to Make Informed Memorial Choices
The time to make informed memorial choices is well before a family member dies. Experts almost unanimously agree that a family who has at least one member committed to staying abreast on matters such as the latest in funeral industry news and laws related to burial and cremation is much better poised than others to make great, healthy, emotionally beneficial choices that will actually help to alleviate stress that naturally comes about at the loss of a loved one. So this means that, yes, experts recommend that everyone– not just people who are going through the grief associated with a recent loss in their family – take an interest in news stories related to the death care industry. In just about every medium-to-large sized city in the United States each year there is at least one regional news story circulated through various local media in which a cemetery or funeral home has been accused of outright wrong doing or questionable and unethical business practices. And at least once a year on average the funeral home or cemetery industries make news nationally because of some issue that related directly to the well being of consumers.
In the 1960’s through the 1990’s a nationally known journalist Jessica Mitford achieved close to household name status, in fact, with her book The American Way of Death and its various reprints and updates. This best selling book took a humorously critical look at funeral homes and cemeteries across the United States and focused on ways in which the leaders of those industries used their grief against them, taking advantage of their emotionally weak state to sell them goods and services that they probably would not otherwise be interested in at prices that were outrageously inflated. These stories spawned an entire nation of activists who devoted their lives to changing a culture and legal system that would allow such abuses to become to deeply rooted, and that lead to many reforms that now make life much less stressful for families experiencing the loss of a loved one.
But these families can easily still find themselves trapped by a ruthless industry that typically remains set on keeping them ignorant of the reforms that the activists have inspired. In order to take full advantage of all that the activists have worked for in protecting themselves from abuses of overzealous sales people at funeral homes and cemeteries, families must consciously work to inform themselves of the latest on issues related to funerals and burial. They must make sure that they understand what legislation such as The Funeral Rule means for themselves and how they can use it to get the most, at the fairest price, for their loved one’s memorial services. And that is just the start. They must pay attention to what activists say about the sales tricks and questionable tactics that companies out to profit unscrupulously from the grief of families are prone to try. They must be ready for such tricks to be played on their own relatives as well, and they must train themselves on what to say and do when confronted with such frustrations.
Informed Funeral Home Choices
The best way to stay informed on funeral home choices is to understand the federal Funeral Rule passed as a result of Mitford’s book and applicable to all funeral homes across the United States. Basically, this rule that is enforced by the Federal Trade Commission requires that funeral directors make known very quickly in their first meeting with a family their funeral home’s prices for the various products and services they offer. A document known as a “General Price List” is required to be handed to families and that document, much like a restaurant’s menu, must clearly explain what a funeral home offers and how much the offerings cost. Funeral homes are not allowed to make adjustments to the prices listed on the GPL except in extremely rare cases.
Knowing about this document helps families ensure that a funeral director they are working with is operating in their best interest as opposed to being secretly working in the interest of profitability for himself or his company. Any funeral director who appears less than forthcoming about his company’s General Price List may be operating in a questionable or potentially underhanded manner, and that would be a good sign to families that they might be better off making their funeral home choices with the assistance of a different funeral director or maybe even a different funeral home entirely. It is troublesome to think that some 30 years or more after the passage of the Funeral Rule in the United States that funeral directors and funeral homes might still be intent on skirting the law and its requirements that funeral homes be above board and transparent in all of their dealings with families in the midst of grief; nevertheless, there are many funeral operators still in business who can regularly be counted upon to do just that, unfortunately. On the bright side, informed consumers do have a weapon on their side in the form of the Funeral Rule and its requirement that the GPL be quickly and cordially distributed to all families who may be in need of an establishment’s services. But, if the families had not kept themselves abreast of their rights under federal law, they might not know that and therefore would be susceptible to the profit-centered motives that would certainly be at the heart of any establishment that would not be keen on following both the spirit and the letter of The Funeral Rule and all the customer-friendly policies that it encourages owners of such establishments to make a part of their regular communication and dealings with grieving families.